The hormones have been getting the
better of me lately. I am guessing PMS, the progesterone, all of the
Pregnancy/Baby announcements, and the fact Mother’s Day will be here in 3 days
is not helping.
Having a hard time keeping a positive outlook and not wanting
to give up, last night I came really close to getting in the car and just
driving till I can’t anymore. I know running away from your problems doesn’t
solve anything. The reality of being Infertile still has not set in yet. When I
think about being labeled Infertile it just seems so surreal and gets me
thinking how many more years do my husband and I have to endure the Emotional
Roller Coaster Ride from Hell?
Last week and this week everywhere
I turn its pregnancy announcements, baby shower invites, baby pics on Facebook.
Most of these people are on their 2nd child or had talked about
never wanting children. I hate to say this, but some of them don’t deserve to
have children. The ones that stand right in front of me and say they would
rather have a boob job than have any more children because boob jobs are
cheaper. Or the ones that complain about their pregnancy when the only
complications were morning sickness and a C-section. And this is their
reasoning for not having anymore… Oh that sounds so rough.
Come walk in my shoes for a week
or even a day. Come join me on the roller coaster I have been riding for the
last 2 years. Where some days it’s a struggle to watch TV or even run errands,
because all you see are babies or big bellies.
Each month you have 2 weeks of hope, followed by an enormous let down
when Aunt Flow arrives, than it’s a week of crying and wanting to give up. Then
you somehow muster up the strength to try again and perfectly time the Baby
Dance around ovulation sometimes feeling like it’s a chore rather than an act
of love. Then here comes the 2 week wait
again and the hope. To me this is the most dreaded time of the whole process waiting
to see if AF will show or if you will finally have your miracle on the way. God
has his own timing with things and I am trying so hard to understand. I guess I
just want to know why? Why were we chosen to walk this path? While crack heads
and murderers pop out kids like they change their underwear. Someday I will
know why God has chosen us, but for now I am praying for strength and patience
thru all of this.
Last year Mother’s Day didn’t
bother me, but this year the reality of Infertility is setting in and with the
xtra hormones and PMS I am not doing too well. I am not even sure if I am going
to be able to make it thru the day without having a meltdown. I recently read a
blog post from Infertility Advocate Keiko Zoll about being a Someday Mother… I
never thought of calling myself that. I am a Someday Mother and although my
arms may be empty at the moment, my heart is already filled with so much love
and joy for the Miracle that will one day call me Mommy I almost feel like I am
already a mother.
Sorry to vent, but I have been
debating all week what to write and I just winged it and this is what came
out.
Well to all of the Someday Mothers
or the Mothers with little ones in heaven right now, know that you are not
alone. We all belong to an exclusive sisterhood with an understanding and bond that
no one will ever know. And God’s plan for each and every one of us will work
out someday, but until then keep your head up, the prayers coming and never let
the fear of striking out, keep you from playing the game.
Until next time!
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| There is always light at the end of the Tunnel |
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