The hormones have been getting the better of me lately. I am guessing PMS, the progesterone, all of the Pregnancy/Baby announcements, and the fact Mother’s Day will be here in 3 days is not helping.
Having a hard time keeping a positive outlook and not wanting to give up, last night I came really close to getting in the car and just driving till I can’t anymore. I know running away from your problems doesn’t solve anything. The reality of being Infertile still has not set in yet. When I think about being labeled Infertile it just seems so surreal and gets me thinking how many more years do my husband and I have to endure the Emotional Roller Coaster Ride from Hell?
Last week and this week everywhere I turn its pregnancy announcements, baby shower invites, baby pics on Facebook. Most of these people are on their 2nd child or had talked about never wanting children. I hate to say this, but some of them don’t deserve to have children. The ones that stand right in front of me and say they would rather have a boob job than have any more children because boob jobs are cheaper. Or the ones that complain about their pregnancy when the only complications were morning sickness and a C-section. And this is their reasoning for not having anymore… Oh that sounds so rough.
Come walk in my shoes for a week or even a day. Come join me on the roller coaster I have been riding for the last 2 years. Where some days it’s a struggle to watch TV or even run errands, because all you see are babies or big bellies. Each month you have 2 weeks of hope, followed by an enormous let down when Aunt Flow arrives, than it’s a week of crying and wanting to give up. Then you somehow muster up the strength to try again and perfectly time the Baby Dance around ovulation sometimes feeling like it’s a chore rather than an act of love. Then here comes the 2 week wait again and the hope. To me this is the most dreaded time of the whole process waiting to see if AF will show or if you will finally have your miracle on the way. God has his own timing with things and I am trying so hard to understand. I guess I just want to know why? Why were we chosen to walk this path? While crack heads and murderers pop out kids like they change their underwear. Someday I will know why God has chosen us, but for now I am praying for strength and patience thru all of this.
Last year Mother’s Day didn’t bother me, but this year the reality of Infertility is setting in and with the xtra hormones and PMS I am not doing too well. I am not even sure if I am going to be able to make it thru the day without having a meltdown. I recently read a blog post from Infertility Advocate Keiko Zoll about being a Someday Mother… I never thought of calling myself that. I am a Someday Mother and although my arms may be empty at the moment, my heart is already filled with so much love and joy for the Miracle that will one day call me Mommy I almost feel like I am already a mother.
Sorry to vent, but I have been debating all week what to write and I just winged it and this is what came out.
Well to all of the Someday Mothers or the Mothers with little ones in heaven right now, know that you are not alone. We all belong to an exclusive sisterhood with an understanding and bond that no one will ever know. And God’s plan for each and every one of us will work out someday, but until then keep your head up, the prayers coming and never let the fear of striking out, keep you from playing the game.